.friends at the right time.

whelp.

a good surprise happened today. a friend randomly text message me (and i fell off the couch in shock.. you have to know this friend to understand why) and came over. which was so fun for me. unexpected visits. i didn’t think i’d get to see her for another couple weeks. it was a grand time to see her.

i listened to her talk about her previous week.
then she asked how i was doing.

and i cried.

and i talked a bit.. pretty much repeated as much as i could that was in my last entry.
which is funny, cuz i question sometimes if what i write is what i really think. today cleared that up for me.
and i haven’t had someone just listen.. truly listen to me, for ages. with no interruptions. no questions, no seeming doubts about what i was saying. no side comments no.. anything. she just let me talk. and i really needed that apparently. cuz i went on forever. which usually i wouldn’t. i would stop or allow the conversation get side tracked. thats my newest plan of escape.

i truly am an escape artist.

i don’t necessarily feel better. i feel the same. nothings changed. ill wake up tomorrow to either the phone ringing or to the same thoughts and feelings of emptiness. but it was good, whatever happened today.

[[thanks]]

.i have decided. aaand it doesnt matter.

i am not totally sure that it really matters that i write a blog. i just type because it makes me think. i just type because maybe one day the right message will get to the right person.

so yes, on with my whinings. because i need to and hopefully just once and for all let all of this go. thats what its about i guess, letting go, again, of everything ive had, which was mainly hopes, and starting over.

can i just say it fucking sucks ass?

i seriously hope no one has to go thru it. no one i know anyways because there is nothing that has made me feel more out of place, off balanced and completely ungrounded. i havent felt like shit like this in years, and thought i never would again. but here i am, a year and still struggling.

last night i just gave up hope on the whole God thing. him helping or aiding i mean. which is hard for me to say, but everything ive ever put hope in recently for him to come thru for me has fallen thru. every “promise” every word, everything. and so im like, whatever. pick up the pieces and move on. i think he is being completely mean and unfair. he either doesnt care, doesnt want to or ive gone to far. fine, so be it.
ive asked for help, for him to intervene, he knows the people or circumstances to use, he knows how. he knows where i am, but im always left alone. whatever. ive come to the conclusion that even to him whats in my heart cant matter. even though i was told once it does. nothing that means anything to me matters. only when i care about other people. but when it comes to myself, im always on the back burner. always forgotten. always pushed aside for whatever reason. always over looked. i thought with him it was different, but clearly not.
i started to write in my journal before i went to bed last night [always a bad idea, i write 2 paragraphs and then i die of exhaustion]. i got too tired and fell asleep [again].
fine i can trust for eternity. cuz i dont think anyone is that great of a jerk. either that or i just dont know what else to think.
but i just dont see how i can trust for the here and now anymore. especially since everything always falls thru for me. especially lately. especially in this last year. i wrote that if i knew i would have felt like this, i never would have went to ywam. that sometimes ignorance is bliss, and i never would have picked this for myself. maybe in a couple years i will change my mind and see some sort of messed up good in all of this. i just do NOT understand why he went away. and why he chose to stay gone for so long, until i got to the point where i cant trust. or i dont want to, or both. i dont see love in this. i dont see grace, i dont see mercy i dont see anything but me being pushed to be completely and forever alone.
i know ive built up some of my walls again. where people can no longer come as close as they could a bit ago. i dont trust that i’ll every be married, or truly happy for that matter. i just dont see the point in caring and have written in my journal forever, there is no point to all of this. there is no point. i just want to be let go of.
i feel that in my heart there is this cruel game happening. and there is no aid, no help, no answer. no relief. and im so over this, im so done. there is no hope for any answer either. just a continuous condition i live with now i guess.
so close the chapter on that. its done and it wont happen. ‘it’ being what i hoped for, what i prayed for. what meant so much to me, and the idea that i might actually matter. more than just another number in the span of things. clearly no. but whatever right? it doesnt matter.
this is what i hold against god, why i dont trust. and really hope to be left alone. i dont want to go thru this again. and how can i trust it wont happen? no thanks.
i dont care whatever this was meant for. its mean. its nothing but mean. but i am out of control to stop it.
i’ve already said if i did something wrong im sorry. it didnt matter. ive asked for help. it didnt matter. ive asked for him to speak, and he doesnt. ive asked for him to speak via friends, and the answer is still no. guidence? nope. what did i do wrong? no answer. why? no answer. i am always forgotten, always pushed aside. by the one person i thought wouldnt, he did. fine, whatever. then just leave me alone.

just thoughts about more thoughts.. pile it on!

well, the good news is there are better days. empty days. kinda like walking in an empty room before any person, or furniture for that matter, has entered, you are alone, your steps are echoed, and its kinda eerie. a fresh start?

i read stories about afghanistan the other day. a time magazine’s opinion how to help the country.
really, i am just sick of war. the wrong people are getting punished and mostly, the wrong message is getting across. pointless suffering. it doesn’t make sense to me.
and my heart goes out to those people. maybe a good wake up call for us in the west is not everyone thinks as we do. maybe a better one is we aren’t always right. our way isn’t always the way, just one way.
i bet before the bombs, before the land mines and guns and death. before the terror and people getting ripped from their homes and their lives, it was a beautiful place. you see pictures and you see potential.
i loved what rory stewart had to say. two quotes.

‘We face pressing challenges elsewhere. If we are worried about terrorism, Pakistan is more important than Afghanistan; if we are worried about regional stability, then Egypt, Iran or even Lebanon is more important; if we are worried about poverty, Africa is more important. ‘

[[maybe it fits better with the whole article, but this is right in the middle of the question, what do we do about Afghanistan now? and stewart is questioning why the president wants to put more troops there, and suggests thats not the answer]]

and

‘We do not have a moral obligation to what we cannot do.”

how beautiful. he ends saying its not our responsibility to fix, but aid. and what we are doing is not aiding anything but demeaning the gov’t in afghanistan to its people and making it seem as if their side of the war is about fighting the american way as opposed to their freedom and a better afghanistan.

the only guns children should have are water guns. but even that is debateful. it does break my heart to know that there is so much unstability out there. and so many people feeling so alone and their future uncertain. how fair is that?

someone or somewhere i have heard a deal about justice. which i am going for as a theme for the rest of my life. its been huge for me. but justice and equality walk hand in hand.. ah yes… hold on.

i found it in bono’s “on the move” speech (bought the book) where he states;

‘but justice is a higher standard. africa makes a fool of our idea of justice… 6500 africans are still dying every day of a preventable treatable disease, for lack of drugs we can buy at any drugstore. this is not about charity; this is about justice and equality… its annoying, but justice and equality are mates. arent they? justice always wants to hang out with equality. and equality is a real pain.’

what to do, what to do. africa won my heart i know this. i dont know when or how, but i do know i am going back.

but even here in north america, in canada, in my back yard…

i can no longer handle walking down the street to see the homeless person begging for money. i can no longer handle seeing hurting people. i can no longer handle seeing maimed people. people who suffer daily. it KILLS me inside. you wouldnt know. i hide it well. but my heart sinks and for a second all i can think about is them.

its good that some people can over come and do great things with or despite of. but in my heart im like fuck that. what ever. i’d love to see people freed from what holds them back from a ‘normal’ life. to be able to walk straight without dragging their leg for the first time in years. for the child in a small foreign clan to have their scars erased, that were given to them as a baby and forever marks their bodies. for the girl who has had female circumcision to be able to enjoy intimacy for the first time. for the man who has had a disease to find a cure. for the person who survived a genocide to be able to feel safe, and to be secure in that.
cuz ultimately all we all have ever wanted was a normal life.
and what some people live with daily is cruel. its brutal. it causes stares and mean comments.
people are mean. thats the bottom line. we judge and we point, but never go and lend a hand. its why we feel we must hide and why so many of us live with insecurities. cuz we know how harshly we judge, and we don’t want to be judged. but yet we judge because first we are insecure. vicious cycles. again.
i sometimes hate humanity as much as i love it. which works, you cant find hate unless you once had love.

yesterday i was miserable

we’ll see how this goes. this may be a first… a quote unquote from the journal of yours truly. or at least yours right now.

this font looks rather pink, don’t you reckon?

”

its stupid though. i often feel like screaming and calling the obvious out, but i would feel like the scene in the movies where you are amidst the giant crowd. only there is so much hustling and bustling no one hears your warning of impending danger. you mite as well not be there. either that or you are viewed as chicken little, yelling that the sky is falling. you get glared at because you are too crazy to believe. the town fool.
i guess its worthy to note that the town fool was always right? (thanks shakespeare)

also, words fail me too. it would be like you are trying to yell with laryngitis. ya just can’t. so i sit in the corner and i just get more angry. i can write. i can write for ages. but to be able to speak what is circling in my mind is beyond a miracle.
[[angry about cycles. about people repeating mistakes. theirs or others. about being helpless and watching someone fall without having any ability to make it better for them. wondering if that hind sight 20/20 will come back to bite me in the ass later]]

“”

sometimes i wonder if its all about myself. if all i really care is about me and i mask it for other people.
sometimes i wonder if there is any point in all of this. if i should really try at all, or just not care and do what i see fit and not care. that seems to make more sense now a days than ever,

since nothing does anything anyways.

that doesn’t make sense? exactly. thats how i feel. nothing make sense. and what you say is absurd. what i think is off the map. and caring is about as foreign to me as yen in an american dairy queen.

sometimes i wonder if there was a point to any of this to begin with. and by sometimes i mean daily. sometimes i wonder if i am a really good liar. to myself more than anything else. if i’ve lied my way into the corner, and if thats why God can’t find me or speak to me. cuz i’ve left and its all me. my fault my fault my fault. and he doesn’t care. if he does, it really is a funny way to show it. but its my fault that this has happened. its my fault and i’m to blame. i know its my fault, or i’m beyond reach cuz no one has come to get me. most days i feel like that lost child in a crowded mall looking for their parents.

where am i, why am i here and why can’t i get out?

perks of the job

just things you don’t get to see unless you are 40 000 feet in the air. i love it. its my favourite part of the job. that and the travelling in general. sweet deal.