whelp, new blog. but i wanted to keep a couple of my past blog posts on a different blog.. so here is the catch up postings..

i find life very weird. or at least from this stance.
and i am finding that this year anyways, im struggling with life. with ALL of the above [meaning everything]
to me, this past year has sucked ass. that should be my next poll on facebook, “who actually had a good year”. and to be honest i have no idea what i did to deserve it. [that is, if you were to believe in karma] which i dont know if i really believe in the concept anyways.
i dont much believe in anything anymore.
and i dont know really what God did to deserve that. but i do at the same time.
2007 has been a mixed year. some really good things came out of it, but mostly im thankful its almost over.
living in vancouver the city itself has kicked ass in so many ways. everytime i go back i remember why i loved it. i miss roaming the streets aimlessly. calgary just doesnt have that feel to me. maybe its cuz i busy myself so much. and the lack of diversity. i loved walking on one street being a nobody, making the same amount that some people pay in rent. and then 2 streets over realizing im someones hope for a meal. who the hell am i kidding, i was their hope for alcohol or some other “need” which really, sometimes can you blame them? if i was down and out like that, all i would want was something, anything to make me forget, even if it was just for a moment. to me, that would be something to chase.
some sort of false hope?
ive also learned this year that hope itself can be a very bitter thing. or at least to me its bitter. and its my fucking name.
it will be sad to leave calgary [again for the third time] but hopefully for this time it will be for a while. ill exchange the f-ing cold for the sandy beaches. (((YES PLEASE))) i just want to do art, find an art community and stick. i dont care about rules, i dont care about church, i dont care about anything. ive thrown it all out the window. ive decided that all i want to do is just live.
what does that mean?
“DO WHAT YOU LOVE AND FUCK THE REST.” ~little miss sunshine~
i feel like ive based my whole life around something, and although im quite convinced it still exists, im not sure how i fit anymore. ive been completely uprooted, thrown aside and forgotten. and if im not forgotten, then what matters to me is forgotten. or has yet to be acknowleded. and this fucking sucks. and did go against everything i used to believe.
therefore:.:
its caused huge doubt, disappointment. and i just really hate the idea of hope right now. really really do. hope for what? and even further the idea of faith. faith is nothing unless there is an agreement with what you have faith for. maybe thats whats been cast aside. the agreement part. or maybe ive just never had that to begin with.
i dont pray cuz i find it pointless. i dont believe for much, cuz whats the point? faith doesnt seem to make much happen, if anything at all.
i just dont care cuz i dont feel cared for. thats pretty much it.
this is my sum of 2007.

no one has answers, and why should they? we are all struggling, and everyonce in a whle we get to coast thru this thing called life.
i dont want to say ive given up. cuz i dont think i have. ive just been put in a waiting room, to which i have said fuck you. and left cuz all and all, whats the point? that and i dont know how else to respond.

the only thing ive gotten out of 2007 is what i dont want. life now seems a blank canvas. where to next?