whelp. the many thoughts going thru my head.
i think the whole point of my australia trip was the word trust. that it will all work out together in the end. i hate this. i hate it so much. i just do not get why nothing is helping me see, or think or feel better. there still is no relief.
i am just excited for this to be over. although i am not quite convinced of much anymore. i still refuse to hope for the best, cuz i still see most things keep getting taken away from me. and i whine and i kick and i scream until there is some sort of answer. i dont know if there ever will be. an answer i mean. i feel a lot of guilt. guilt cuz i “don’t believe” guilt that i don’t want this amazing church life. its not in me anymore to want to be some leader and devote my life to sunday mornings and small groups. it seems so narrow and small for me. i see myself in other places. doing other things. what are these other things? i love being the person who points you to the right direction. i love hanging out with people with no religious background what so ever. to me its a breath of fresh air. things are way more simple, and we don’t need to figure things out. they just are. and they are seeing things for the first time. and that is always refreshing. they are the ones who will stop and smell the roses. they don’t over spiritualize a skull on a t-shirt. i always feel as if people are at their truest, cuz they have not learned yet that certain words, actions, beliefs (aka non evangelical or the church norm), clothes, behaviours, thoughts, or questions are wrong. i fucking hate it when that changes. church should be the place where it is safe to try and to just be. that no one forces you to change or to adapt, but you are allowed to just grow and experience for yourself. but maybe thats more on character than those at the church. if you are willing to be criticized (and its not just in the church, everyone does it) and to not let the words affect you and to be yourself despite it all. i’ve yet to meet a person who is able to brush off every single word thrown at them. cuz if you don’t listen and heed advice, or ‘advice’, you are ignorant and unwilling to change or grow. or .. here’s the one thats thrown at me, unsubmissive or rebellious. when really, its in my heart to just not jump too far ahead of where i actually am. change for me is slow. its more affective if its slow. it lasts if its little steps and slow. and i’ve spent the past x amount of years just going with it, and then i get angry in the end cuz i’m wearing so many hats or expectations that i was never meant to wear. life, religion, everything then becomes way more complicated than what it is meant to be. then i have to go thru major healing of all of these words or things thrown my way that really isn’t anything to do with anything except someone’s opinion. yes i am a little bit guarded, but isn’t it rightly so? trust. i don’t get how to do that. so something like last year can happen again? i’d rather do anything to avoid that again. no thanks. i do not get it. and i still feel like i am being punished. for either my parents mistakes, or for something that i did maybe even, but i do not know what this something is. there is thoughts in my head that i am being punished for not going to church. for avoiding that whole ordeal. and that my healing won’t come until i start going again. or until i… there is always a bar that i will never be able to reach. but its the one i am supposed to reach in order to get ahead. whatever. trust?