i debated for a moment whether to put a ‘?’ at the end of the title, but opted to not. i liked the way it sounded better.
whats upso, like i always do. ive been thinking.
my obession. believe it or not, im sure most will believe it. one of my obsessions is how i look. how much i weigh, my face (scars esp) if my boobs are the right size, are my hips too big..etc. ive gone many periods of not eating, then eating a little bit. then too much. sometimes i get the right balance. but its truly my secret obsession. i dont think many people know how much this is on my mind. vanity. we are all vain. i can just admit it. and for the first time in my life i dont feel guilty about it. i dont feel like i have to give it up, or push it aside. i appreciate how i have the freedom to explore what this all means for myself. tis grand.
another obsession is art. ive really enjoyed in the past couple years, especially the last year, how many museums and galleries ive been able to go into and to observe paintings that have been around for hundreds of years. to see my favourites, to make new favourites. MoMA, i will be back. i didnt have enough time there. *sigh*
one of the things are has taught me though,
is that being a girl means i am beautiful.
whether it was in my figure drawing class years ago (i still miss that class) or it was the many nude paintings ive gazed at, the many obscene drawings that are out there. the plethora of marble statues in this world. slide after slide in art history…
i’ve seen heaps of naked people. and i didn’t have to sleep around to do it. im just plain lucky.
all of the bumps, the unnoticable flaws. the bad hair days, the fat days, the great days. even the obvious flaws.
i think being a girl is a great thing cuz no matter what, we were made to be pretty. and we are.
even when we arent a size seven, and we’ve cheated on every diet we’ve ever been on. even when we cheat in life, when we gossip and manipulate. cat fights. our best days and our worst days. our unproportioned bodies. our unproportioned personalities. blonde moments. or when we just dont feel it. even the few moments that we actually do. in bad lighting. in no lighting (preferred?).
in our pj’s, in that LBD (little black dress). naked. with makeup or without. with the creams, or au naturel.
its taken me a while, but im just starting to see this. and not only see this, but apply it to myself. growing up, in the wondrous years that i have, i learned that girls need to be a size 2 with a DD cup. curves but light weight. smooth skin and always done up. i think we all remember those years… for some reason there was a time when there was even more pressure. at least for me. those ‘crucial years’ growing up.
if you were on tv it meant you were perfect… or perfect enough that they could hide the flaws. the rest of us at home stared at these perfect ‘models’ and started to compare.
fuck, i dont have that smooth skin. and without the help of a laser or a miracle i never will. ((this bothers me way more than ill ever let on)). ive never been smaller than a size nine. which i am not a size nine right now. working on it though.
but for the first time in my life (no lie) i can stand to look at myself in the mirror.
naked.
thats right, and i do. because its important. i need to be comfortable with who i see and with the shell that gets to carry me around. to know myself and to know that im lucky to be me. in every way. no one else gets to be me. no one else gets to see things how i do. no one else gets to look the way i do.
do you know how much freedom there is in this?
and do you know how great it is to know that no matter what, i look good? i was made to look good.
i definitely dont feel this way every time i get out of bed. i have my fat days, my ‘i feel gross days’. the days where all i want to do is hide under my covers and not face the day.
when i look in the mirror, the fat, the scars, the flaws, are magnified to me. they are all i see. still.
but i am starting to see….
☼
but these are my thoughts, this is what has been going thru my head. what ive been trying to live out. and for the first time ever, being able to see it too. they arent just empty words anymore. they arent completely empty anyways.
