Archive for November, 2008
question
§§balance?♪☼§↓↓↓↓
its time for an emo moment. alright everyone, dress in black red and white, paint your nails (bright pink to be different? you can put black tips or stars if you want, it still fits), go in a dark corner and light the candles. put on your favourite emo cd (right now im listening to box car racer) grab the razor blade and cut.. (ready for this?)…your clothes (im not that emo) so there are rips and tears in the right places, grab your journal and write teenage angst about how unfair life is, and how your heart (or the world) is broken. if you want to go really retro, and pre emo (i think?), you can even write it on your jeans, as long as they are not skinny black jeans to go with your allstars. ink doesnt go well on black, or at least its not visible. are you all there with me? oh that familiar place. i think most of us called it high school.
actually this is not that bad. this weekend some stuff just got brought up that i didnt like. and as i just had a gross smoke (not of the cigarette or illegal variety)
i had the idea of balance.
although i would not write my life as a tragedy, there have been some less than ideal stuff amongst the chapters and admist the tattered pages. [tattered for the sake of quirkiness and character, i think we can all agree if i was a book i would not be pristine]
..isnt it funny (haha, im busting a gut here) how its the really tragic stuff in life that adds the balance. gives perspective? pulls people together? why is that?
its the horrors of life that make us appreciative when christmas comes around and the family or ‘family’ gathers together. or when we arrive at thanksgiving it gives us those cheesy ass ‘i am thankful for…’ phrases (so ridiculously thankful i dont have to do that) it seems then we reflect and realize how good we have it. or at least convince ourselves how good we have it. but lets be honest, most of us have it really good in good ole canada. even if our family is falling apart, or we failed our mid term, didnt get the job we wanted. the raise wasnt as good. the car broke down. the bills are behind. whatever. you get it.
its funny (oh the ribs are killing me) that right now somewhere (in many cities and hospital rooms) there are people gathering around cancer victims being their support. where as if cancer never happened, that one person might not get to see so as many of those people they love in one room at one time (besides a wedding or a funeral) why is that?
[i picked cancer cuz a memory went thru my head while on the front porch]
if it wasnt for the bad, would we really appreciate the good?
should we be thankful for the bad?
i still hate it. good can come from it
i guess.
but whatever comes from the bad will never, at least in my mind, replace what would have or should have been. this paragraph is what i was thinking when i was having that smoke. some people say the bad is sent our way to shape us. i totally disagree. what little beliefs in God/good/hope i have left (and right now its little, at least very little hope and trust for anything) i dont believe we were meant to go thru the bad. cuz every time i am faced with it my insides feel like they are about to explode and everything inside of me wants to quit. it just feels wrong. like i wasn’t built to go thru this, but since it seems i find myself here, thru it i must go. and no matter what comes from it, i am not thankful for the experience.
not saying i want to be one of those shallow people who belong on the stage of a beauty pagent who hope for and pledge to work towards ‘world peace’ if they were the new miss _______… without the understanding of what is going on or what that means, i could really do without a lot of the heart ache.
and its not like my life has been that horrid. thats the frustrating part. well, one of the frustrating parts. .[[[that there are people who know much worse]]].
i feel
did we already have this talk? for the first time in a fucking long time, i feel a slight anticipation for life again. that things will somewhat be ok. somehow. that there may even be a slight hint that hind sight will make this past fucking year make sense in the grand scheme of things.
all iknow is i do NOT want to go back.
f to the u to the c to the k.
should have been a valley girl.
i got hope for the first time today that maybe, just maybe, my face might get better. that i found the real problem (thanks random shoppers girl). i may get to see what is left of my face. i cant tell you how disheartening the scars are though.
there is a part of me that even hopes (and im scared of this part) that what ive been asking and praying for, will come true. that even that end will turn out ok. i sure hope so. im really ready to move on with my life.
and even though i had quit praying, yesterday was the first day that i actually prayed and said the word thanks. really, i did.
im shocked too.
im not out of this yet. i wont consider out of this until that one request has been answered. im that stubborn.
i still dont get the point of what happened to me though. i think spiritually, if i use the gauge that sunday school taught me to use, im still turned off of ‘following god’ or having that relationship. really really turned off. i dont want what i used to want. i dont know what i want but what i used to hope and live for that part of me died. maybe thats why this past year was so painful. it was full of death. i still dont know how to describe what my last year had been. or why. the why is the big one and it will never get answered. i dont expect it to. i still hold that it was unfair. but what do i know about fair? all i know is i really dont know. and what i wanted no longer is. its like the desires in my heart were really weighed out and tested thru a fucking painful fire. watching everything i wanted just burn up. and only the things that i held true to and fought for are now still standing. and im sure anybody who is reading this is like, well thats a good thing. i challenge you to feel what i felt for longer than12 months… about your dreams and your deepest convictions… and watch and feel it as i did.. be destroyed. and then you tell me how good it was. i dont care the outcome. the pain sucked. and therefore i will forever hate 2007.
to me its undescribable. but im doing the best i can.
school… so much is on my mind. i am trying my best though. trying is the key word.
what to do. where to go. i have come to the realization that i must let go of my job at westjet. and i do wonder if its one of those things where, when i do let go, life will get easier. we’ll see. im not ready to let go. so i will juggle both for a while.
australia keeps coming up too. over and over and over again. and in my mind i am like, i just do not want to go. i just dont. i cant fathom leaving right now. not now. leave to what? to start all over. yet again. im not sure im ready. i dont know what you could give me to make me believe i am. its not the money or anything physical. this time it is all emotional. to be honest, as it stands right now i would be content to stay in canada. its known and safe. thats why. im sure if i stepped foot inside australia, i would think different. i do love that place. and it always feels like home. always. i wonder if its supposed to be one of those hints like last year where i just picked up and went. but i dont want to go for visits anymore. i am not going. it hurts. it all hurts. everythign that i used to hold close hurts so bad. so i dont hold it close. and i think God is mean for taking that away from me.
in some ways i despise these past 10 years. i really do. in my mind there were a lot of false hopes given to me. there were a lot of misleadings and a lot of disappointments. i dont know what could have been done to be different. but i do wish that whatever that was, it would have happened instead. i cannot describe the pain.
and its weird cuz ive built so much of my life around these dreams, hopes, beliefs. and now they are all gone. there is not one ounce of me that wants to persue them again. or find a better way. i just want to be left alone. i really do.
not that it matters.
i understand that i can never be left alone fully. that everythign i am and everything that is around me is based on what i am wanting to run away from. i just want it to remain in the shadows. for the lack of a better metaphor, to be placed back inside the matrix. i feel like ive had an overload and no time to process. and a lot of stuff was forced on me or given to me that i do not want. anyways.
this is the first time in a while that i can talk about this with no anger, only a bit of sadness. but this must mean i am really getting over it all. or accepting what is. hm.
somehow, even though all of this is plaguing in my mind, i have a hope for peace. at least for a little bit. im so fucking sick of hope too. all hope does is disappoint. but yet its always there. maybe i should say i have this idea that peace is coming. cuz now that i realized that i hoped in this, i a detatching myself from this idea. wow, i am all of a sudden ridiculously tired.
ttfn
