did we already have this talk? for the first time in a fucking long time, i feel a slight anticipation for life again. that things will somewhat be ok. somehow. that there may even be a slight hint that hind sight will make this past fucking year make sense in the grand scheme of things.

all iknow is i do NOT want to go back.

f to the u to the c to the k.

should have been a valley girl.
i got hope for the first time today that maybe, just maybe, my face might get better. that i found the real problem (thanks random shoppers girl). i may get to see what is left of my face. i cant tell you how disheartening the scars are though.
there is a part of me that even hopes (and im scared of this part) that what ive been asking and praying for, will come true. that even that end will turn out ok. i sure hope so. im really ready to move on with my life.
and even though i had quit praying, yesterday was the first day that i actually prayed and said the word thanks. really, i did.
im shocked too.
im not out of this yet. i wont consider out of this until that one request has been answered. im that stubborn.
i still dont get the point of what happened to me though. i think spiritually, if i use the gauge that sunday school taught me to use, im still turned off of ‘following god’ or having that relationship. really really turned off. i dont want what i used to want. i dont know what i want but what i used to hope and live for that part of me died. maybe thats why this past year was so painful. it was full of death. i still dont know how to describe what my last year had been. or why. the why is the big one and it will never get answered. i dont expect it to. i still hold that it was unfair. but what do i know about fair? all i know is i really dont know. and what i wanted no longer is. its like the desires in my heart were really weighed out and tested thru a fucking painful fire. watching everything i wanted just burn up. and only the things that i held true to and fought for are now still standing. and im sure anybody who is reading this is like, well thats a good thing. i challenge you to feel what i felt for longer than12 months… about your dreams and your deepest convictions… and watch and feel it as i did.. be destroyed. and then you tell me how good it was. i dont care the outcome. the pain sucked. and therefore i will forever hate 2007.
to me its undescribable. but im doing the best i can.
school… so much is on my mind. i am trying my best though. trying is the key word.
what to do. where to go. i have come to the realization that i must let go of my job at westjet. and i do wonder if its one of those things where, when i do let go, life will get easier. we’ll see. im not ready to let go. so i will juggle both for a while.
australia keeps coming up too. over and over and over again. and in my mind i am like, i just do not want to go. i just dont. i cant fathom leaving right now. not now. leave to what? to start all over. yet again. im not sure im ready. i dont know what you could give me to make me believe i am. its not the money or anything physical. this time it is all emotional. to be honest, as it stands right now i would be content to stay in canada. its known and safe. thats why. im sure if i stepped foot inside australia, i would think different. i do love that place. and it always feels like home. always. i wonder if its supposed to be one of those hints like last year where i just picked up and went. but i dont want to go for visits anymore. i am not going. it hurts. it all hurts. everythign that i used to hold close hurts so bad. so i dont hold it close. and i think God is mean for taking that away from me.
in some ways i despise these past 10 years. i really do. in my mind there were a lot of false hopes given to me. there were a lot of misleadings and a lot of disappointments. i dont know what could have been done to be different. but i do wish that whatever that was, it would have happened instead. i cannot describe the pain.
and its weird cuz ive built so much of my life around these dreams, hopes, beliefs. and now they are all gone. there is not one ounce of me that wants to persue them again. or find a better way. i just want to be left alone. i really do.
not that it matters.
i understand that i can never be left alone fully. that everythign i am and everything that is around me is based on what i am wanting to run away from.  i just want it to remain in the shadows. for the lack of a better metaphor, to be placed back inside the matrix. i feel like ive had an overload and no time to process. and a lot of stuff was forced on me or given to me that i do not want. anyways.
this is the first time in a while that i can talk about this with no anger, only a bit of sadness. but this must mean i am really getting over it all. or accepting what is. hm.

somehow, even though all of this is plaguing in my mind, i have a hope for peace. at least for a little bit. im so fucking sick of hope too. all hope does is disappoint. but yet its always there. maybe i should say i have this idea that peace is coming. cuz now that i realized that i hoped in this, i a detatching myself from this idea. wow, i am all of a sudden ridiculously tired.

 

ttfn