its time for an emo moment. alright everyone, dress in black red and white, paint your nails (bright pink to be different? you can put black tips or stars if you want, it still fits), go in a dark corner and light the candles. put on your favourite emo cd (right now im listening to box car racer) grab the razor blade and cut.. (ready for this?)…your clothes (im not that emo) so there are rips and tears in the right places, grab your journal and write teenage angst about how unfair life is, and how your heart (or the world) is broken. if you want to go really retro, and pre emo (i think?), you can even write it on your jeans, as long as they are not skinny black jeans to go with your allstars. ink doesnt go well on black, or at least its not visible. are you all there with me? oh that familiar place. i think most of us called it high school.
actually this is not that bad. this weekend some stuff just got brought up that i didnt like. and as i just had a gross smoke (not of the cigarette or illegal variety)

i had the idea of balance.

although i would not write my life as a tragedy, there have been some less than ideal stuff amongst the chapters and admist the tattered pages. [tattered for the sake of quirkiness and character, i think we can all agree if i was a book i would not be pristine]
..isnt it funny (haha, im busting a gut here) how its the really tragic stuff in life that adds the balance. gives perspective? pulls people together? why is that?
its the horrors of life that make us appreciative when christmas comes around and the family or ‘family’ gathers together. or when we arrive at thanksgiving it gives us those cheesy ass ‘i am thankful for…’ phrases (so ridiculously thankful i dont have to do that) it seems then we reflect and realize how good we have it. or at least convince ourselves how good we have it. but lets be honest, most of us have it really good in good ole canada. even if our family is falling apart, or we failed our mid term, didnt get the job we wanted. the raise wasnt as good. the car broke down. the bills are behind. whatever. you get it.
its funny (oh the ribs are killing me) that right now somewhere (in many cities and hospital rooms) there are people gathering around cancer victims being their support. where as if cancer never happened, that one person might not get to see so as many of those people they love in one room at one time (besides a wedding or a funeral) why is that?
[i picked cancer cuz a memory went thru my head while on the front porch]

if it wasnt for the bad, would we really appreciate the good?

should we be thankful for the bad?

i still hate it. good can come from it

i guess.

but whatever comes from the bad will never, at least in my mind, replace what would have or should have been. this paragraph is what i was thinking when i was having that smoke. some people say the bad is sent our way to shape us. i totally disagree. what little beliefs in God/good/hope i have left (and right now its little, at least very little hope and trust for anything) i dont believe we were meant to go thru the bad. cuz every time i am faced with it my insides feel like they are about to explode and everything inside of me wants to quit. it just feels wrong. like i wasn’t built to go thru this, but since it seems i find myself here, thru it i must go. and no matter what comes from it, i am not thankful for the experience.
not saying i want to be one of those shallow people who belong on the stage of a beauty pagent who hope for and pledge to work towards ‘world peace’ if they were the new miss _______… without the understanding of what is going on or what that means, i could really do without a lot of the heart ache.
and its not like my life has been that horrid. thats the frustrating part. well, one of the frustrating parts. .[[[that there are people who know much worse]]].