inbetween drawing feet.

Random childhood memories.
its weird how they sometimes just pop into your head, with no reason. Or purpose.
and in this case, there was no link to what I was doing either. It just jumped in there. [I was drawing my feet for homework, took a quick bathroom break, and thought about birds?] [that sounds about right for my mind these days]

the first thought that came to my head was how much I was enthralled by the shade of a robin’s egg as a kid. It never made sense to me that their egg shells were so blue. I was always excited to see one cracked and laying on the ground. I just really liked the colour.

my thought process then led to this memory, which I havent thought about in a long time.
I was three years old. We lived in oshawa ontario, at 1010 glen street (I have no idea why I still remember this address). I don’t remember much about that day. I was playing with friends, which was the benefit of living in a townhouse, there was always someone around. And in the parking lot I saw a hurt robin. It was using its wings to get across the ground, and it was going under the cars. I chased it and caught it all impressed with myself. It was around dinner time, and I think my mother was a bit horrified that I was carrying around this robin. She told me I couldn’t keep it inside, so in my three year old logic, I took it to our back yard. I think I made a bed out of the dirt for this bird, and I laid it on its back as if to tuck it in for a night’s sleep. I vaguely remember making a pillow or bedding out of grass or something of that nature. And I remember assessing the situation being like, bird’s necks arent proper to lay them down on their back. But I did anyways. it baffled me a bit. then I remember waking up in the morning and rushing to see if it was still there for me. it wasn’t. im pretty sure, looking back, that whoever I talked to about this lied to me, and said that it got up and flew away in the morning. I wonder if I cat got it.

yup, that’s it. No anything to go along with this. I still pity the poor bird though, probably wondering what the heck I was doing laying it on it’s back. And im almost positive that I was not gentle as I was carrying it around the complex to bring it to my house. Ha, sucks to be that bird.

tangent

Today was a good day. I am waiting for ‘house’ to be over so I can start on some art. But im so into this show that I don’t want to stop.
my mind is full again. This is me trying to empty. Empty…. What? That’s the deal. I feel like for the first time in a long time I am getting some sort of break in life. Well, nothing is happening anyways. Im waiting for gary or my mom to email me to say something. But even that im not sure will really affect me. i now just more or less expect it.
I just feel like whatever was bothering me for the past long while is no longer there. its lifted. I still don’t know what was bothering me. But we don’t always get to know the ‘why’. And im ok with that. I really am. As long as its past. That’s all I care about.
im not convinced it is, but this is just a break.
I don’t deserve anything to be past or over. And I know it.
Just look at the pages in my journal, and look at the long thought trail ive left in the past 2 years. And the best part is im still too stubborn to want to deal with it all. I just don’t care anymore. Maybe that was the point. Maybe there was no point. That’s the only thing I don’t think I could handle. that there was no point to this whole ordeal. ive thought of every possible reason ‘why’ and some of them in years past i would have even attributed as God saying this reason to me, but i just dont trust anything i hear or have heard. And in that way maybe ignorance is bliss.
I have this passing feeling that maybe i am supposed to visit australia again this year. Well, I thought about it like 2 days ago. But part of me really doesn’t want to go. well, I don’t want to go if it means I have to try to find something in me that wants what I used to want. If it means wanting to face things or … I don’t know how to word what im trying to think of. i dont know if i am so against facing things as i am in changing my mindset. i just feel so tired of fighting and always trying to stay positive. im so done with the ordeal that i dont want to go back in to disect it and to be like this is where you went wrong. cant it just be done?

And you cant tell me this [everything about where i am] is ok. I wont believe you. You cant tell me that this is ok. I am not mad anymore, just hurt. And im sure unjustifiably so. And really there is still the problem that I just don’t care. Going to australia in my mind means going back to the ideals and the path that I just don’t believe in anymore. that died in me Im pretty sure. This is why I am not convinced I am moving there anymore. Its not in my head that I am. I see other things in my life. And honestly because I am not in Australia I know I am ok with it. If I was there my heart would be so sad. And I seriously don’t know the giant draw to be out there. What does it matter? Canada is great. So is anywhere else.
I am to the point where I just don’t believe anything really matters. That the whole ‘live for God’ thing might not even exist.. I don’t know what else to think. It doesn’t matter if I continue on as a flight attendant for the rest of my life, or if I work for starbucks or if I volunteer for the rest of my life.
I don’t know what the judgment is on when we die, because there is nothing that you can judge me on that says, well done. I don’t think so. Does it really matter how much I give? Time, money, love wise. Really, does it matter? Is it fair to hold a scale to that knowing that there is nothing you can compare it with? Its not fair to compare people, because we are all soo different. how is it fair to compare me with someone who its in their genetic whatever to give anything and everything away, while in someone else they are more hoarders, and both are used in the appropriate circumstance? you cant. we are all wired so diffrently and interrpret stuff so different, you cant compare. So what do you compare it to? God? That’s not fair either. So what do you compare it to? What is the weight that is measured? Its not fair even to judge our actions, our motives, because it seems that as people we have everything working against ourselves. We are even working against ourselves. Let alone the unknowns. Im self destructive. And if I am, there are other people too. Even if I were to build anything up I would in due time just tear it down again. So then what? Whats left.
The judgment is there is nothing. That would be the judgment.
If you want to judge faith we all fail on that too. And it seems even the ones who ‘succeed’ lose out anyways. Faith means nothing. Hope means nothing. Anything from our end means absolutely nothing. So what is there to judge? Is it fair that some people go to hell? How can they be any more condemned and unforgiven then the rest of us. I have a hard time believing some people go their whole life without searching, without even saying that blank prayer of, ‘someone help me’. Or forgive me. I have yet to meet the person that was so hardened that they didn’t see this. And nor would I want to.
I am not in the place where I want to live for God, cuz im convinced he would just leave again. i am not even convinced he came back. but maybe the second time wouldn’t hurt as bad. I don’t know. I am not taking the chance. And He doesn’t seem to care anyways. In the past 2 years I could have said whatever words I wanted to, and there was no reaction. My tears didn’t matter. nothing mattered. Maybe its all apart of growing up, but in my mind he was still an ass. I don’t think he had to be that mean. I trusted him. I don’t as much anymore. Not that that matters either. I can go on with the list of stuff that doesn’t matter, but that too, doesn’t matter. I definitely don’t believe in the ‘supposed to’s’ anymore. I don’t think there is anything im supposed to do or not. Its all just a blank canvas. Which is why I struggle with Emily carr vs ACAD. Vs anything really. Does it matter if I don’t do anything with my life? The only difference is what I miss out on. That’s it.
Oh yes, one thing I do believe for sure is sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Whoever wrote that did it for a reason. I still want to be left alone. I have a feeling I don’t have a choice in the matter. But its what I want. I don’t see how this could be made right. I know what I want, but it still wouldn’t make it right.