I know everything you have done. And I have placed before you an open door that no one can close. You were not very strong, but you obeyed my message and did not deny that you are my follower~rev 3:8 (cev)

i dreamed a dream of new beginnings. the door is opening, i can feel it!

i am loved. i am well cared for. despite the title of said people. i am lucky.

i will be ok. i am ok. always will be ok, or maybe even better than ok.

and i am really starting to like being me. ive always liked it, but im starting to enjoy it.

this past season of my life is over. i claim it. i need it. it is done.

old mentalities are dying. ones i was never meant to carry, ones that don’t belong and do not fit. their roots are cut and they are withering away.

i like this kind of change.

promise. promising. transformed. changed. changing.

its a new love for life. new outlooks. layers of junk are falling away.
something pure is remainging. something fair.

wow its been a while. i’d say

lots to say, however tonight is not the night. (nor will this be that profound)

its just funny to me, how a random email can control a whole day. i’ve come full circle.
12pm i read an email that pretty much destroys me. enter in heaps of anger and hurt.
a friend calls about 30 minutes after
said friend chats with me for about 15 minutes. i calm down a bit.
10 minutes later i get a hug, same friend (thanks!! even though i know you wont read this)

3 hours later i go to work
feeling better. but not great.
lots of nice people on board, good crew. one angry man. fuck him too.

12 hours after the stupid email, i am in a cab on my way home. a friend got engaged today (congrats!)
yes, life goes on

cab drivers hears i want a smoke, gives me one.
now i am HOME! ooh how i missed you.

take off those bloody heels (thats why i dont wear them often!)
change into pj’s-life’s perspective is yet better

go have a smoke. hang out with God for a moment.
“what do i do about the email?”
“nothing”
get a picture of another hug… this time its my spirit… well, im guessing, cuz i sure didnt feel arms around me

go down to the computer. check facebook and emails. find the ‘trash’ bin
find email.
clear the trash, because thats all it is.

and as easy as it was for the email to come, its gone. just a fading memory.
and thats it.
now for some much needed sleep

but first?! some bacon… yum

Random childhood memories.
its weird how they sometimes just pop into your head, with no reason. Or purpose.
and in this case, there was no link to what I was doing either. It just jumped in there. [I was drawing my feet for homework, took a quick bathroom break, and thought about birds?] [that sounds about right for my mind these days]

the first thought that came to my head was how much I was enthralled by the shade of a robin’s egg as a kid. It never made sense to me that their egg shells were so blue. I was always excited to see one cracked and laying on the ground. I just really liked the colour.

my thought process then led to this memory, which I havent thought about in a long time.
I was three years old. We lived in oshawa ontario, at 1010 glen street (I have no idea why I still remember this address). I don’t remember much about that day. I was playing with friends, which was the benefit of living in a townhouse, there was always someone around. And in the parking lot I saw a hurt robin. It was using its wings to get across the ground, and it was going under the cars. I chased it and caught it all impressed with myself. It was around dinner time, and I think my mother was a bit horrified that I was carrying around this robin. She told me I couldn’t keep it inside, so in my three year old logic, I took it to our back yard. I think I made a bed out of the dirt for this bird, and I laid it on its back as if to tuck it in for a night’s sleep. I vaguely remember making a pillow or bedding out of grass or something of that nature. And I remember assessing the situation being like, bird’s necks arent proper to lay them down on their back. But I did anyways. it baffled me a bit. then I remember waking up in the morning and rushing to see if it was still there for me. it wasn’t. im pretty sure, looking back, that whoever I talked to about this lied to me, and said that it got up and flew away in the morning. I wonder if I cat got it.

yup, that’s it. No anything to go along with this. I still pity the poor bird though, probably wondering what the heck I was doing laying it on it’s back. And im almost positive that I was not gentle as I was carrying it around the complex to bring it to my house. Ha, sucks to be that bird.

Today was a good day. I am waiting for ‘house’ to be over so I can start on some art. But im so into this show that I don’t want to stop.
my mind is full again. This is me trying to empty. Empty…. What? That’s the deal. I feel like for the first time in a long time I am getting some sort of break in life. Well, nothing is happening anyways. Im waiting for gary or my mom to email me to say something. But even that im not sure will really affect me. i now just more or less expect it.
I just feel like whatever was bothering me for the past long while is no longer there. its lifted. I still don’t know what was bothering me. But we don’t always get to know the ‘why’. And im ok with that. I really am. As long as its past. That’s all I care about.
im not convinced it is, but this is just a break.
I don’t deserve anything to be past or over. And I know it.
Just look at the pages in my journal, and look at the long thought trail ive left in the past 2 years. And the best part is im still too stubborn to want to deal with it all. I just don’t care anymore. Maybe that was the point. Maybe there was no point. That’s the only thing I don’t think I could handle. that there was no point to this whole ordeal. ive thought of every possible reason ‘why’ and some of them in years past i would have even attributed as God saying this reason to me, but i just dont trust anything i hear or have heard. And in that way maybe ignorance is bliss.
I have this passing feeling that maybe i am supposed to visit australia again this year. Well, I thought about it like 2 days ago. But part of me really doesn’t want to go. well, I don’t want to go if it means I have to try to find something in me that wants what I used to want. If it means wanting to face things or … I don’t know how to word what im trying to think of. i dont know if i am so against facing things as i am in changing my mindset. i just feel so tired of fighting and always trying to stay positive. im so done with the ordeal that i dont want to go back in to disect it and to be like this is where you went wrong. cant it just be done?

And you cant tell me this [everything about where i am] is ok. I wont believe you. You cant tell me that this is ok. I am not mad anymore, just hurt. And im sure unjustifiably so. And really there is still the problem that I just don’t care. Going to australia in my mind means going back to the ideals and the path that I just don’t believe in anymore. that died in me Im pretty sure. This is why I am not convinced I am moving there anymore. Its not in my head that I am. I see other things in my life. And honestly because I am not in Australia I know I am ok with it. If I was there my heart would be so sad. And I seriously don’t know the giant draw to be out there. What does it matter? Canada is great. So is anywhere else.
I am to the point where I just don’t believe anything really matters. That the whole ‘live for God’ thing might not even exist.. I don’t know what else to think. It doesn’t matter if I continue on as a flight attendant for the rest of my life, or if I work for starbucks or if I volunteer for the rest of my life.
I don’t know what the judgment is on when we die, because there is nothing that you can judge me on that says, well done. I don’t think so. Does it really matter how much I give? Time, money, love wise. Really, does it matter? Is it fair to hold a scale to that knowing that there is nothing you can compare it with? Its not fair to compare people, because we are all soo different. how is it fair to compare me with someone who its in their genetic whatever to give anything and everything away, while in someone else they are more hoarders, and both are used in the appropriate circumstance? you cant. we are all wired so diffrently and interrpret stuff so different, you cant compare. So what do you compare it to? God? That’s not fair either. So what do you compare it to? What is the weight that is measured? Its not fair even to judge our actions, our motives, because it seems that as people we have everything working against ourselves. We are even working against ourselves. Let alone the unknowns. Im self destructive. And if I am, there are other people too. Even if I were to build anything up I would in due time just tear it down again. So then what? Whats left.
The judgment is there is nothing. That would be the judgment.
If you want to judge faith we all fail on that too. And it seems even the ones who ‘succeed’ lose out anyways. Faith means nothing. Hope means nothing. Anything from our end means absolutely nothing. So what is there to judge? Is it fair that some people go to hell? How can they be any more condemned and unforgiven then the rest of us. I have a hard time believing some people go their whole life without searching, without even saying that blank prayer of, ‘someone help me’. Or forgive me. I have yet to meet the person that was so hardened that they didn’t see this. And nor would I want to.
I am not in the place where I want to live for God, cuz im convinced he would just leave again. i am not even convinced he came back. but maybe the second time wouldn’t hurt as bad. I don’t know. I am not taking the chance. And He doesn’t seem to care anyways. In the past 2 years I could have said whatever words I wanted to, and there was no reaction. My tears didn’t matter. nothing mattered. Maybe its all apart of growing up, but in my mind he was still an ass. I don’t think he had to be that mean. I trusted him. I don’t as much anymore. Not that that matters either. I can go on with the list of stuff that doesn’t matter, but that too, doesn’t matter. I definitely don’t believe in the ‘supposed to’s’ anymore. I don’t think there is anything im supposed to do or not. Its all just a blank canvas. Which is why I struggle with Emily carr vs ACAD. Vs anything really. Does it matter if I don’t do anything with my life? The only difference is what I miss out on. That’s it.
Oh yes, one thing I do believe for sure is sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Whoever wrote that did it for a reason. I still want to be left alone. I have a feeling I don’t have a choice in the matter. But its what I want. I don’t see how this could be made right. I know what I want, but it still wouldn’t make it right.

word.
can i just say that i hate life right now? it seems like there is constantly one thing after another piled on.  which happens, but it makes me really want to hate life. or at least this aspect in my life.
i dont trust happiness. i feel happy right now, but i know there is some where inside sadness, anger and frustration waiting to get out. but its masked with a smile and laughter.  how does that work? right now happiness, like love is a fake emotion that comes by and makes you feel good, but it never stays. or barely. or maybe its just this year. how much longer do i have to live ‘here’. i’d like to pull out the ‘unfair’ card, but i really doubt that would make any sort of a difference

w t fucking f.

↓↓↓↓was any of this even understandable? or was it all one big blurb of blah?

↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓

its time for an emo moment. alright everyone, dress in black red and white, paint your nails (bright pink to be different? you can put black tips or stars if you want, it still fits), go in a dark corner and light the candles. put on your favourite emo cd (right now im listening to box car racer) grab the razor blade and cut.. (ready for this?)…your clothes (im not that emo) so there are rips and tears in the right places, grab your journal and write teenage angst about how unfair life is, and how your heart (or the world) is broken. if you want to go really retro, and pre emo (i think?), you can even write it on your jeans, as long as they are not skinny black jeans to go with your allstars. ink doesnt go well on black, or at least its not visible. are you all there with me? oh that familiar place. i think most of us called it high school.
actually this is not that bad. this weekend some stuff just got brought up that i didnt like. and as i just had a gross smoke (not of the cigarette or illegal variety)

i had the idea of balance.

although i would not write my life as a tragedy, there have been some less than ideal stuff amongst the chapters and admist the tattered pages. [tattered for the sake of quirkiness and character, i think we can all agree if i was a book i would not be pristine]
..isnt it funny (haha, im busting a gut here) how its the really tragic stuff in life that adds the balance. gives perspective? pulls people together? why is that?
its the horrors of life that make us appreciative when christmas comes around and the family or ‘family’ gathers together. or when we arrive at thanksgiving it gives us those cheesy ass ‘i am thankful for…’ phrases (so ridiculously thankful i dont have to do that) it seems then we reflect and realize how good we have it. or at least convince ourselves how good we have it. but lets be honest, most of us have it really good in good ole canada. even if our family is falling apart, or we failed our mid term, didnt get the job we wanted. the raise wasnt as good. the car broke down. the bills are behind. whatever. you get it.
its funny (oh the ribs are killing me) that right now somewhere (in many cities and hospital rooms) there are people gathering around cancer victims being their support. where as if cancer never happened, that one person might not get to see so as many of those people they love in one room at one time (besides a wedding or a funeral) why is that?
[i picked cancer cuz a memory went thru my head while on the front porch]

if it wasnt for the bad, would we really appreciate the good?

should we be thankful for the bad?

i still hate it. good can come from it

i guess.

but whatever comes from the bad will never, at least in my mind, replace what would have or should have been. this paragraph is what i was thinking when i was having that smoke. some people say the bad is sent our way to shape us. i totally disagree. what little beliefs in God/good/hope i have left (and right now its little, at least very little hope and trust for anything) i dont believe we were meant to go thru the bad. cuz every time i am faced with it my insides feel like they are about to explode and everything inside of me wants to quit. it just feels wrong. like i wasn’t built to go thru this, but since it seems i find myself here, thru it i must go. and no matter what comes from it, i am not thankful for the experience.
not saying i want to be one of those shallow people who belong on the stage of a beauty pagent who hope for and pledge to work towards ‘world peace’ if they were the new miss _______… without the understanding of what is going on or what that means, i could really do without a lot of the heart ache.
and its not like my life has been that horrid. thats the frustrating part. well, one of the frustrating parts. .[[[that there are people who know much worse]]].

did we already have this talk? for the first time in a fucking long time, i feel a slight anticipation for life again. that things will somewhat be ok. somehow. that there may even be a slight hint that hind sight will make this past fucking year make sense in the grand scheme of things.

all iknow is i do NOT want to go back.

f to the u to the c to the k.

should have been a valley girl.
i got hope for the first time today that maybe, just maybe, my face might get better. that i found the real problem (thanks random shoppers girl). i may get to see what is left of my face. i cant tell you how disheartening the scars are though.
there is a part of me that even hopes (and im scared of this part) that what ive been asking and praying for, will come true. that even that end will turn out ok. i sure hope so. im really ready to move on with my life.
and even though i had quit praying, yesterday was the first day that i actually prayed and said the word thanks. really, i did.
im shocked too.
im not out of this yet. i wont consider out of this until that one request has been answered. im that stubborn.
i still dont get the point of what happened to me though. i think spiritually, if i use the gauge that sunday school taught me to use, im still turned off of ‘following god’ or having that relationship. really really turned off. i dont want what i used to want. i dont know what i want but what i used to hope and live for that part of me died. maybe thats why this past year was so painful. it was full of death. i still dont know how to describe what my last year had been. or why. the why is the big one and it will never get answered. i dont expect it to. i still hold that it was unfair. but what do i know about fair? all i know is i really dont know. and what i wanted no longer is. its like the desires in my heart were really weighed out and tested thru a fucking painful fire. watching everything i wanted just burn up. and only the things that i held true to and fought for are now still standing. and im sure anybody who is reading this is like, well thats a good thing. i challenge you to feel what i felt for longer than12 months… about your dreams and your deepest convictions… and watch and feel it as i did.. be destroyed. and then you tell me how good it was. i dont care the outcome. the pain sucked. and therefore i will forever hate 2007.
to me its undescribable. but im doing the best i can.
school… so much is on my mind. i am trying my best though. trying is the key word.
what to do. where to go. i have come to the realization that i must let go of my job at westjet. and i do wonder if its one of those things where, when i do let go, life will get easier. we’ll see. im not ready to let go. so i will juggle both for a while.
australia keeps coming up too. over and over and over again. and in my mind i am like, i just do not want to go. i just dont. i cant fathom leaving right now. not now. leave to what? to start all over. yet again. im not sure im ready. i dont know what you could give me to make me believe i am. its not the money or anything physical. this time it is all emotional. to be honest, as it stands right now i would be content to stay in canada. its known and safe. thats why. im sure if i stepped foot inside australia, i would think different. i do love that place. and it always feels like home. always. i wonder if its supposed to be one of those hints like last year where i just picked up and went. but i dont want to go for visits anymore. i am not going. it hurts. it all hurts. everythign that i used to hold close hurts so bad. so i dont hold it close. and i think God is mean for taking that away from me.
in some ways i despise these past 10 years. i really do. in my mind there were a lot of false hopes given to me. there were a lot of misleadings and a lot of disappointments. i dont know what could have been done to be different. but i do wish that whatever that was, it would have happened instead. i cannot describe the pain.
and its weird cuz ive built so much of my life around these dreams, hopes, beliefs. and now they are all gone. there is not one ounce of me that wants to persue them again. or find a better way. i just want to be left alone. i really do.
not that it matters.
i understand that i can never be left alone fully. that everythign i am and everything that is around me is based on what i am wanting to run away from.  i just want it to remain in the shadows. for the lack of a better metaphor, to be placed back inside the matrix. i feel like ive had an overload and no time to process. and a lot of stuff was forced on me or given to me that i do not want. anyways.
this is the first time in a while that i can talk about this with no anger, only a bit of sadness. but this must mean i am really getting over it all. or accepting what is. hm.

somehow, even though all of this is plaguing in my mind, i have a hope for peace. at least for a little bit. im so fucking sick of hope too. all hope does is disappoint. but yet its always there. maybe i should say i have this idea that peace is coming. cuz now that i realized that i hoped in this, i a detatching myself from this idea. wow, i am all of a sudden ridiculously tired.

ttfn

write rachel, write.
thats what i tell myself.

breathe rachel. inhale. exhale too.

SCATTERED THOUGHTS.. NO RHYME OR REASON. THIS IS A WARNING….

sometimes
i fucking hate the ‘institution of family’
whatever that was supposed to be.
im sure ive gotten better glimpses. where did i hide those memories?

what is family? family is self denial, not in the healthy sense. family is pressure. family is stress. family just sucks ass. they always know how to make you feel the worst about yourself. they never try to understand but just stand and judge. their verdicts unfair and they watch you fall.

im better. im ok.

* sigh *

left foot. right foot. left foot. right foot.

break.